The Battle in Me: Chapter 3

There were phrases that Shepard’s standard translator could not convert into another language; idioms, colloquialisms, or even the odd pop culture reference. But this time, it didn’t matter how many languages her translator made available to her. There was no possible way, in any language, to tell Joker the truth of what she had done. Shepard saw her friend stand in front of her, trying to put on a brave, happy face despite his pain. A pain she had inflicted.

For once, the great, eloquent Commander Shepard was speechless.

“I know I might not be at the top of your ‘Most Likely to Survive’ list, but you can at least try to look to look like you’re not surprised to see me,” Joker laughed weakly. “Or, y’know, happy.”

She managed to muster up a smile. “Sorry. Just…tired is all. It’s good to see you.”
“That’s it? Good? Great would be a better word. Actually I would go for absolutely fantastic myself but-“

“Oh please Joker,” Tali groaned before dissolving into laughter.

“Glad to see that near-death experiences don’t mar your sense of humor,” said Garrus.
The smile on the Joker’s face fluttered at the turian’s words, so subtly that none of the other crew members seemed to catch it. Except for Shepard. Their eyes briefly made contact, his eyes widening at sight of the concern in hers. A concern that she had successfully masked in origin, but concern all the same.

“So is anyone else here?” she asked, attempting to change the subject as quickly as possible.

Garrus nodded. “Chakwas was one of the hardest hit so she’s in recovery along with a few of the support crew. Kaidan and Vega were the most vocal about wanting to come in to see you too but your nurse here insisted that we keep the group small.”

Kara smiled. “Judging by how many people tried to worm their way here I think you’re going to be one popular lady once you’re released.”

“Speaking of which…” Shepard started.

“Dr. Casey has a check on your healing process scheduled for tomorrow. And judging by the speed that your injuries have healed, you should be ready to release. Provided you promise to take it easy.”

“And what does that entail?” the Commander asked.

“No combat of any sort, no drinking, no fast movements,” Kara said, counting the individual restrictions off on her gloved fingers. “No heavy lifting. No drinking. And no,” she chuckled as she glanced at Shepard and Liara’s clasped hands. “Vigorous sex. Or any kind of sex, that is. At least until all of your external wounds have healed.”

Both members of the couple blushed.  “Sorry,” Kara quickly apologized. “It has to be said. Some people are less then mature about it though.” Her last sentence was directed at Joker, who been snickering at the situation. But once again, Shepard could see the pain in his eyes.

She needed to talk to him. Now.

Shepard faked a large yawn. “I’m sorry to kick you guys out so soon but-“

“We get it sweetie,” Liara said, leaning over to kiss her lover on her bandaged head.
“You’re tired. Understandable after your last week.”

“Take care Shepard. We’ll be back later,” Garrus said as he helped Tali to her feet and put an arm around her waist.

“Feel better,” Tali said, her glowing eyes crinkling into a smile behind her mask. “Come on Joker. Let’s leave her be.”

“Actually,” Shepard spoke up. “I want to talk to Joker. Alone. If it’s okay with him, that is.”

He nodded. “Yeah, sure. If you guys could, um…”

“Of course. We’ll leave you two be,” Liara said, standing up quickly from the hospital bed.

“Call for me if you need anything,” Kara called back as she made her wait out the door with the others.

Shepard nodded and waited until she heard the door shut behind everyone before she spoke again. “The nurse told me about the wreck.”

Joker gave a cocky grin as he collapsed into the plastic chair next to her bed, leaning his crutches against the wall. “It wasn’t anything I couldn’t handle. A few evasive maneuvers here, a couple of strategic movements there-“

“She told me about EDI.”

He stared at her for a moment, eyes unmoving yet betraying every emotion that crossed his mind. They flashed through anger, fear, resentment, and frustration before finally landing on such a raw form of grief that Shepard found it difficult to maintain eye contact with the pilot. But she had to. She had to stay strong, to support her friend in his time of loss.  And to cover up her own participation in his lover’s death.

Shepard plunged her teeth into her bottom lip as if to punish herself for thinking such a thing. She couldn’t believe what had just crossed her mind. But it was true. She had killed an entire race, one that she had helped to end a centuries old conflict with Quarians just weeks before. She had killed one of her closest friends, the very soul of the Normandy. And she wanted nothing more than to distance herself from their deaths. Even if that meant lying to herself and everyone she knew.

“It was so sudden,” Joker said solemnly. The contrast of his voice to his usual demeanor was shocking. “She was right next to me in the cockpit. Helping me man the Normandy’s controls, giving orders to the crew, managing the engines and the system core. Then I hear her call out my name and I look over and see her collapsed over the panels.”

“Joker…”

“I scream and scream but she doesn’t respond.  Then I can’t do anything to help her because I have everyone’s life in my hands,” he said, his voice growing louder and angrier with every word. “I couldn’t save her. I saved the lives of almost everyone on that goddamn ship. Except for her. Nothing I did mattered when it came to her.”

“Joker!”

“What Shepard? What are you going to possibly say? Please, enlighten me.”

Shepard grew quite, shocked by the venom in her usually facetious friend. “I-I’m sorry.”

“Of course you are. I wouldn’t expect anything less from you. But what good does feeling sorry do? It wasn’t your fault.”

She exhaled deeply, squeezing her eyes shut. “Joker, I-“

“What? You what?”

“I need a drink,” she sighed. “No, we need a drink. Preferably a lot of them.”

He looked at her quizzically for a moment before breaking down laughing. A bit painfully, Shepard had to note. “What the hell are you talking about?”

“Look Joker, you’re right. Feeling sorry will do nothing. It won’t bring her back and it won’t eliminate your pain. It’s something you have to deal with.” Can’t even do it yourself but you’re advising others. You fucking hypocrite.

“But-“

“But not now. Garrus promised me drinks at the end of this war. It’s time he paid up. For two.”

This managed to illicit a small grin from the pilot. “Fine. But just to see Vakarian squirm when the bill comes.” He grabbed at his crutches and fitted them under his arms before putting his weight on them to stand. “I’ll leave you to sleep.”

“You should rest too. God knows you didn’t get any on the way here.”

“Guilty as charged. You know me too well.”

“Or just well enough.”

They exchanged another smile before Joker made his way out the door. It slammed shut before launching the room in to a newfound silence. It was then and only then that Shepard let herself cry for the first time in months.

---

“I’ve never seen healing of this capacity before,” Dr. Casey said, the fascination evident in his voice. He was an older man with salt and pepper hair and skin that was just beginning to show his age.

“I was in good hands,” Shepard replied. Plus some help courtesy of some terrorist technology. But best not to mention that in unsympathetic company.

“Kara instructed you on the precautions to take, yes?”

“Yes.”

“And you will follow them?” he said in way that suggested that there was no alternative.

“Yes.”

“And you?” the doctor asked, this time addressing Liara standing, Shepard’s bedside.

“You’ll make sure she follows the orders?”

Liara smiled. “Of course.”

“Then I’ll start writing up your release papers right away. We’ll make sure that we move you under the care of Dr. Karin Chakwas. She’s being released right now. Also I have your prescription here. Luckily we have a supply here so you can begin taking them immediately.”

“Wait, prescription?” Shepard asked. “I was never informed about any sort of medication.”
 
“It’s a simple treatment for PTSD. It’s a drug combination of an anti-psychotic and an anti-depressant that works with your natural brain chemistry in order to-“

“I don’t want anything messing with my brain.” Shepard’s abrupt comment surprised both her doctor and Liara as well as herself.  But it was the complete truth. Between the Prothean beacon, the catalyst, and Cerberus implants, she felt that she had been mentally manipulated enough. Besides, she had grown up on the streets. She had gone through one on of the most intense military training programs in the galaxy. And succeeded.  

Dr. Casey looked like he was trying hard to hide his exasperation. “You have shown signs of severe combat related PTSD. Kara has filed reports with me about you crying out in your sleep, having nightmares. You’ve been refusing any sort of psychiatric treatment or to talk with anyone.”

“Shepard is all of this true?” The concern in Liara’s eyes was excruciating. Shepard took her hand from the asari’s and looked away.

“It’s not…it’s not true!” she cried. Shepard hated how incredibly childish she was being. How irrational. It wasn’t like her.  

“Doctor, can we have a moment?” Liara requested. Dr. Casey nodded and slipped out of the room, closing the door tightly behind him.

Liara stared at Shepard, questions floating in her eyes. “I don’t understand,” she started.

“There’s nothing to understand!” Shepard insisted. “I’m fine.”

“You don’t sound like you’re fine.”

“I am. It’s nothing that I can’t deal with myself.”

Liara crossed her arms over her chest. “So there is something.”

“No! I mean yes there is. But it’s not that big of a deal.”

“Oh really?” The unbelieving tone in her voice was evident.

“Really. Please tell me what’s going on Shepard. Are you having nightmares? Was what the doctor said true?”

The Commander threw her hands in the air, exasperated. “Yes! Okay? Okay, yes I’m having nightmares. It’s not-“

“A big deal, yes I know. But it is. You’ve experienced more terrible things than most can imagine. It’s going to affect you.”

“I’ve spent my whole life dealing with terrible things Liara. It’s nothing new. Well the nightmares might be but I can handle them.”

“Please Shepard look at me. Look at me!” Liara cried, taking the human’s chin in her hand and turning her head so that it faced her own. “Goddess do you not understand how much I love you? How much it kills me to see you in any sort of pain?” Her eyes shone with unshed tears.

“Liara…” Shepard muttered. “You have to listen to me. I-“

“No,” the asari said as she shook her head. “No. You need help and this doctor is willing to give it to you! And if you’re not going to do it for yourself, then…” She paused, the tears finally overflowing. “Then do it for me.”

Shepard began to cry, big choking sobs. She fell into Liara’s outstretched arms. “Okay. Okay. I’ll do it.”

Liara stroked her bondmate’s hair, making soothing sounds. “It’s going to be alright. You’ll be fine. I’ll make sure of it.”

“Liara, I’m not like this,” Shepard gasped. “I’m not weak.”

“Don’t say that,” Liara said sharply, pulling back from the embrace and looking Shepard in straight in her eyes. “You are the strongest person I have ever met. You will fight this. And you will win.”

“But I-“

“Say it,” she demanded.

“I-I will win.”